I was asked a question by a working mom of three young school-age kids. She wanted to know how she could get her kids to stop “sneaking” into her bed at night. As she explained it, she is such a hard sleeper that when her kids come in, complaining of nightmares or other fears, she is not coherent enough to send them back to their own beds and often doesn’t even realize they are there until she wakes up in the morning. I could definitely relate as my son was one of those midnight sneakers—sometime in the dead of the night he would creep in and I would find him in my bed when I got up to get things started in the morning.
I wish I could say that I came up with a “magic” answer. I didn’t, but I did gather some advice and try some things that eventually worked (and some things that didn’t). One person suggested that I lock my bedroom door, but as a single parent I just didn’t feel like this was feasible. I had a hard time even getting to a place where I could shut my door and feel safe and secure that everyone was alright. I was always afraid that I would sleep so hard (as I am a solid sleeper) that I wouldn’t hear things if something came up. Baby gates were out as my son was just too old and too big, and that was another suggestion I got. For someone with smaller children, a gate may be just the thing to keep them in their room.
Additionally, I think different parents have different levels of tolerance and appreciation for this tendency. I was pretty patient with it and trusted that it would eventually be outgrown. Other parents might be all for the “family bed” while still others want a child to sleep in his own room and bed regardless.
What I did finally come too was a sleeping bag on the floor of my room. That was our compromise. We would keep it rolled up and if he needed to come in to my room in the night, I told him he could curl up in the sleeping bag on the floor next to my bed and sleep until he was ready to go back to his room. This way if he honestly needed support and reassurance, he could come to me without actually spending the night sleeping in my bed. Over time, since he wasn’t all cozied up in the “big bed”—his trips to my room became less and less. Other suggestions I heard were: rewards and charts, taking the child to the store to pick out new bedding, rearranging the room, putting the child in with a sibling for a while, and, believe it or not, getting the child a dog.
I know it seems like it will NEVER change when your kids are going through the nightmares and sleeping in the parent’s room, but I can assure you that the day does come when they wouldn’t be caught dead walking across the threshold of your bedroom. As they gain coping skills and get older, nature just seems to take care of the “sneaking” into mom and dad’s room. Meanwhile, if you cannot wait, you might try some of the suggestions I’ve passed along or maybe someone here has some ideas too!
Also: The Family Bed, part One