Playing the victim and trying to blame someone or something else for mishaps and mistakes seems to be a natural coping mechanism for many children. There’s something of the survivalist in our children as they attempt to protect themselves and deflect our attentions by blaming anyone and anything else in order to avoid the consequences. One of our challenges as parents is to help our children learn how to take responsibility for their own actions and learn to NOT play the blame game…
We do a lot of talking in our home about “personal choices.” Well, if truth be told, I do a lot of reminding in our household about personal choices. Kids have a tendency to want to blame the teacher, their friends, siblings, parents, the weather, the bus schedules–whatever–for why they have made the personal choices they have and are now being expected to face the consequences. I’ve seen my parenting role over the years as needing to be the gentle reminding voice of reason–reminding my children each and every time that it was their own personal choices regarding behavior, time management, friend and activity choices, etc. that resulted in whatever situations might be going on. This can be a tough one when you’ve got an issue between two family members–getting them both to see that they are each 100% responsible for their own personal choices is a challenge!
When my children were younger, I would use a simple phrase to bring them back from the blame game: “Yes, but what did YOU do?” (or say, respond, etc.) This was my way of bringing the conversation or problem back from what the teacher, friend, brother, sister, coach did and get the child to focus on the role he or she played in the situation.
Needless to say, the blame game is seldom eliminated all together. I certainly know plenty of adults who are still inclined to play the victim and blame anyone and everyone (and anything and everything) for why things happen in their lives the way they do. However, if we can work with our children and help them to learn how to take responsibility for their own choices and lives–they will be much better off and more prepared to face the realities of live.
See Also: Teaching Kids the Responsibilities That Come With Freedom