When my children were younger and smaller, I don’t know which I dreaded more, the “transfer day” when we would have to get all their stuff together to go to their Dad’s, or the “re-entry “period when they came BACK from Dad’s house and had to get back in the groove of being in my house again. Both were tough and created a sense of insecurity. I often felt like I had to put everyone back together when they came back from their father’s, and just when things were normalized again, it was time for them to pack and head across town again.
Re-entry was tough on everyone. The kids had gotten used to a different set of rules, schedules, food choices, etc. They had different rooms and a house that smelled different, different shampoo and soap, different neighborhood children to play with. And there I was–living in my same house and assuming that they should just be able to drop back in to how things were at “our house.” There would inevitably be the favorite things that got left behind at “Dad’s house” or a favorite dish or cereal that I didn’t have. And we would inevitably have some melt-downs and emotional adjustments whenever they had to change houses.
I felt terrible. I knew it was tough, and I couldn’t imagine having to live in two homes as they were being expected to. It took some time before I was able to fill my role of being both stable and flexible–allowing for a period of adjustment, but maintaining a very firm, stable environment where they could expect that things wouldn’t change too much. This actually made the re-entry easier–if they knew what to expect and if I didn’t make a lot of changes while they were gone. No changing their furniture or cleaning out their rooms or moving important things. They needed to know that things would be as they left them when they came back And, I needed to foster understanding and patience for our getting used to our new life. I needed to be present and available to help with the re-entry period and make the transition as smooth and painless as possible.
See Also: How Smooth is Your Transfer Day?