My son is currently in a stage I am calling “the sniper”–his modus operandi right now is to lurk about the outside edges of family interactions and then chip away with critical comments and attack from the flanks. His snarky, under-the-breath comments can be vicious, in addition to being downright annoying!
It has taken me a while to come up with a coping strategy. As most of you parents know, it’s so much easier to see what OTHER PARENTS should be doing about their children’s troublesome behavior than to see objectively what one should be doing about her own. Besides, I’ve mentioned before that just when you get something figured out in the land of parenting, the child moves on–just to keep you on your toes!
Meanwhile, my son will enter into a room where someone is watching a movie or listening to music or making supper and do his fine impersonation of a sniper–saying something critical or snarky–just enough to be obnoxious. At first, I thought he was being purposefully annoying and I took it personally (I know, just the advice I often tell parents to guard against), but then I realized that he is trying to interject and interact and get into things that are going on, but doesn’t really know how and is wrestling with some ambivalence. He’s fifteen–he wants to be a part of what is going on and he doesn’t, so he chips away from the outside. Not to mention that he’s in the throes of puberty and not always feeling fabulously about himself. His comments are really a reflection of what is going on for him–a cry for compassion and attention and acting out his own discomforts.
Does this mean that his sniping is okay or excusable? Absolutely not. I’ve found that a sugary dose of kindness is the quickest way to end it: “Oh! Thank you so much for your comments, since you’re so interested and have such great ideas–here, YOU can make the salad!” or “I can see from you’re so interested in movies, I’d love to spend Friday night watching a movie of your choosing with you!” As you might imagine, when he doesn’t get the rise that he thought he was looking for, and instead gets my undivided maternal attention, he scoots out of the room with an “I’m good.”
See Also: What Behavior NOT to Ignore