At my house, it is just me and my children, (and a few pets too), but when my children are with their dad, there is a whole other step-family to contend with–another “parent” and a step-brother too. One of the more painful and constant issues my kids are wrestling with now is the feeling of division a their other house. They don’t feel like one cohesive family and it bothers them. Even though I am not living it first-hand, I am often the one that they want to talk things through with…
I must first say that I have not had the fortune to be a step-parent so while I have had one, and watched what has gone well and poorly for several, my opinions are simply my opinions and have not been tested first-hand in the field of battle. I also have the experience of seeing how things affect my own children and while that may be clouded with my love and attachment to my kids, I also find that I can think of step-parenting choices in relation to, “how would I want my own kids to be treated.”
Some people think the “division” of “us” and “them”–one family against the other is inevitable, but I don’t necessarily think that is true. You may always have the reality of biology or original family to contend with, but with time, attention, and “claiming” I do think you can diminish that phenomenon. In my children’s case, they feel like there are different standards and expectations, and that they cannot truly be themselves and be accepted. They also feel as if their father has “chosen” his new family over them. Whether any of this is true or not, I do think that they are very common feelings for children who must learn to maneuver in a “step” family situation. Their father’s new partner, inexperienced as a parent and probably overwhelmed seems to expect the kids to lead her in the new relationships and compares them to her own beloved son–this is also not going over well.
The only advice I can give my kids is to keep trying and not take on any of the unhealthy “stuff” that is going down. They do not have to be instant big siblings to another child, and I encourage them to continue trying to share their feelings with their father–even if it seems as though he isn’t listening or hearing them. Bonding and attachment take time, but I do think there are plenty of things the adults can do to help “blend” a blended family (part two)…
Also: Dealing with All the Ex-Relatives During the Holidays
Is it Better to Say Nothing at All About the Other Parent?
Can Your Kids Learn to Respect You when Your Ex Doesn’t?