I started writing about how blended and step families can wrestle with an “us” and “them” reality when families and people feel there is a division earlier this morning. Instead of feeling like a cohesive family, it can instead end up with people taking sides and there being “old family” and “new family” camps. I do think there are things the adults can do to help to alleviate this–instead of make it worse:
First of all, I think the adults must BE adults. This means not making confidants out of the children or saying hurtful things that will make things worse. This also includes saying things like “Why can’t you love me like my real son?” or “I’m sure you hate me.” I know these things sound basic and obvious but believe me, they do get said. I am a big fan of “claiming” meaning that once you have committed to a relationship, particularly with children, you claim them as your own. Differentiating between biological and step children or having different standards for different children OR having one parent in charge of his children and the other in charge of hers are classic ways of making sure there is a deep division in the family.
Mix things up instead of always dividing along the same lines. I know this takes effort and may seem forced at first but I do think this is how established alliances weaken and you can build a more cohesive whole team. Making it fun for people to move outside their comfort zones will reward them for starting to build new relationships. I think adults also get into trouble when they feel like they have to protect their own interests or their own child against the “intruders.” This creates a very established division instead of letting family members build and maneuver their own relationships.
Additionally, listen to what the children have to say. While kids may have a self-centered view of what is happening, they do have feelings and they may have insight that the adults cannot see. If they accuse you of playing favorites with one particular child or of being biased, there might be some truth to that. There should be house rules that apply to everyone, not family rules that apply by family and blood relation.
Finally, if the children do share homes with another biological parent, this needs to be taken into consideration. While comparisons between the families and household may be inevitable, they do not need to be given a great deal of power. Being disrespectful of the other parent, or making unreasonable and emotional comparisons or putting down the way things are done in the other house or by the other parent will only cause the children to get defensive and see YOU as the enemy. The idea is to build alliances and add to the connections in their life, not try to tear down the ones the they already have.
Also: Coping with “Us” and “Them”–Part One