Many parents feel like it is their job to criticize and “direct” their children–it does not matter what the child is doing, from tying his shoes to taking out the trash, the parent is offering “constructive advice.” Too much criticism, however, can be a real barrier between parent and child; too much criticism can keep our children from wanting to talk to us, share with us, or even be around us; too much criticism can undo bonding and attachment.
Think of times when you have been criticized–maybe it was by your own parents or on the job. If the criticism was too harsh or constant, chances are you just could not hear it and you tuned it out. You might have even gotten to the point where you avoided the person who criticized you and stopped sharing your efforts and accomplishments since you just knew they would find something critical to say. As a parent, you might be telling yourself that you just cannot help it, you owe it to the child to tell her what she is doing wrong and tell her the right way to do things–but is it really helping?
In order to build trust and healthy intimacy with our children, we need to learn how to offer advice and guidance, without being critical. Allowing our children to take their own chances and be themselves, while still being ready to step in when we need to is important. Looking over their shoulders and telling them the “right way” or how to do things or picking apart the things that they are doing and have done will either make them angry, distant, erode their self-esteem–or all three of those things. At the very least, it could contribute to a world where our children are trying NOT to share their lives with us.
Also: Let Child Overhear Praise, Not Criticism
Offering Guidance to Our Kids, Not Criticism