An old friend of mine was starting to date another single parent in the midst of her divorce. She had two little girls that were pre-school age and he had three girls aged 2 to age 7. They were a very active pack when they all got together. When they eventually moved in together, a big part of the adjustment came in just trying to get all the kids to get used to each other. Other single parents who date each other have just the opposite problem–the kids are at such disparate ages that they have a difficult time trying to relate.
So, what happens when a single parent with older teenagers starts dating a single parent of a preschooler? Or a single parent who has raised and launched his kids starts dating someone who has children who are elementary school-aged? How do you organize activities and blend all those different personalities when they are also very different ages? Very carefully! A big age difference could make it easier since the kids are obviously not competing for the same things, but it could be harder because they can’t relate and be “friends.” A sixteen-year-old may find her dad’s new girlfriend’s four-year-old cute and fun, or she might find him annoying and a “baby.” When you try to put together a two-family activity so you can all spend time together and get to know each better, it can be overwhelming and nearly impossible.
As I’ve written before in this series–give yourselves time and plenty of care and space to get to know each other no matter what the ages. Find things that you can do that have appeal to people of different ages–a sporting event, camping, an open-air market or trip to the beach. Expect that there will be clumps and cliques, but find a way to mix it up–it doesn’t always have to be “the little kids” and “the big kids.” Don’t expect the older kids to look after or baby sit the younger ones if they are from different families. This can set up the situation for resentment and blurred boundaries if it is done in the early stages–before everyone has a chance to get used to each other and relationships to be established. Also, look for ways to bond and build memories together–even simple things like a game of Frisbee or a trip to the Farmer’s market can start to build shared experiences.
Any other ideas from those of you out there who have dated another single parent whose kids were of very different ages than your own?
Also: Dating when You Both Have Kids–Part One
Dating when You Both Have Kids–Part Two
Dating when You Both Have Kids–Part Three