Families of divorced, separated, re-married, and step families can get incredibly complicated. Often, we get so used to how our families operate that we don’t really see how confusing and complicated it can look to outsiders. Meanwhile, for our children, it can take time for them to adjust to changes and figure out the dynamics and intricacies of various family relations. When mom or dad remarries or partners, there are new dynamics to adjust to, if there are more children who come with those new partners, things get even more complicated. When we start dating another single parent, we have to content with our own children, his or her children, the fact that the children also have other parents and step-parents that are just as involved. Figuring out how to make things smooth and consistent for the kids can be tough!
The best advice I have heard is to take it slow! Give everyone involved a chance to get used to new people and personalities and take the time to really get to know each other. This doesn’t just go for the person you are dating. You will need to get to know his or her kids, and possibly even the other parent or parents in their family; and he or she will need enough time and space to get to know yours. The kids will need to get to know each other too. Doing things together in various combinations can be helpful, but it takes time. Suddenly jumping in, moving in together or instructing the children to start calling each other and the adults by familiar terms can be a big mistake.
New relationships need to be built, nuances, rules, and expectations need to be understood. Trust and appreciation need to be nurtured as well. Of course, it takes years and, possibly, even a lifetime to really gel when you are combining families, so we need to give ourselves plenty of time and get support while we’re trying to do it. Keep the best interest of the children in mind, as well as looking after your own emotions and needs and move slowly!
Also: Dating when You Both Have Kids–Part One
Dating when You Both Have Kids–Part Two