Let’s face it, most of us had ideas and ideals about what our children would be like or even what sort of parent we would be. In reality, that little child may be quite different from what we imagined or our child’s behavior may be very different from what we thought we were going to be dealing with. It is important to be able to separate fact from fiction and be able to parent and interact with the “real” child, not project our ideas of who and what we hoped onto that separate person.
A little well-placed delusion can sometimes be a good thing. I think it is pretty typical of us parents to have some “blinders” when it comes to our children–their talents, behaviors, etc. but we can really do some harm if we refuse to see, love, and interact with them based on who they really are and insist upon clinging to our ideals and ideas.
Projection is one of those things we ALL do at some time or another and it can be tough to see when we are doing it with our children. Our kids can be such a mystery; we reach for various ways to figure out what is going on and address behaviors and issues. Still, it is important to separate out what is really going on and who the actual, real, live child is as opposed to our dreams, visions, and imaginations about who the child is or should be.
I have found that even if we think we have adjusted to the “real” child as a baby (and I do think this is one of the tasks of new parenthood, to adjust to the real baby and let go of one’s dreams and imaginations), we may have to face this issue again and again. As our child grows, he will grow increasingly into his own person and we may have to face that he isn’t the elementary-school child, teenager, or young adult that we had imagined he would become. Letting go of the fantasies and projections in order to relate with the real, true person will make us better parents and our relationship with our child stronger and more authentic.
Also: What if I Was Being Evaluated?
Allowing Your Kids to Teach You