As I have been writing recently about some of the challenges that are unique to single parent families during this busy holiday time of year, it dawned on me that for many of us, the holidays are the one time of year that we find ourselves face-to-face with members of our children’s “other” family. With all the focus on family, dealing with ex-in-laws and others can be a definite reality for many of us. Even for those of us who have reasonably amiable relations with all of those old, ex-relations–it can still pose some challenges and keep us from enjoying the season to the fullest.
Let’s face it, families can get pretty complicated–even if you have not re-partnered and don’t have all of that “new family” stuff to deal with–just because you have separated or divorced from your ex doesn’t mean that all of those people go away entirely–especially if there are children in the picture. My general rule over the years for dealing with ex-relatives has been to keep it to a minimum, keep it light and in the present, and keep focuses on what is best for my kids.
When I say keep it to a minimum, it means that I don’t force myself to interact more than I need to. I am not rude or avoiding, but I am not going to get sucked into “old home week” either. It has meant that I need to be open and willing to share my children, but that has been fine for them and they still feel very connected to both of their families. When I do chat with ex-relatives, I keep the conversations light and easy and in the present–no waltzing down memory lane and bringing up old issues. Even if some of the memories start out pleasant enough, it can easily veer off in negative directions. Above all, we have to do what is best for our children. It is up to us to put aside our own issues and baggage and allow the best for them. Of course, this may mean that they don’t see some people, but there may be plenty of family members on “the other side” who care about them and want to share even the tiniest piece of the holiday with them. As parents, it is up to us to keep things healthy and appropriate and try to manage our own issues with the ex-relatives as adults.
Also: Watch the Stress and Diet This Time of Year
When Kids Feel They Have to Choose for the Holidays