With divorce as prevalent as it is now, it doesn’t just happen within the immediate family. Children can be affected and influenced by divorce in the extended family too–aunts and uncles, grandparents and others who go through a divorce can create a change and reorganization in how the extended family functions. While it might not feel as “every day” and immediate–there can still be issues and insecurities that crop up as a child wrestles with making sense of how a family changes as result of a divorce.
In the world I grew up in, one of my sets of great-grandparents divorced after fifty plus years, and my own maternal grandparents divorced after forty years. My own children have had to adjust more to divorces and break-ups than marriages and weddings. In fact, I don’t think my children have ever been to a “family wedding,” so we’ve had to incorporate how to cope with divorces as part of our understanding and appreciation of “extended family.”
How a family deals with divorce can go a long way in helping children adjust. Bitter, extended divorces can be incredibly tough. If there will be moving and re-shuffling and family gatherings, holidays and events will be affected, kids need to be prepared and allowed to process and grieve these changes. In our family world, there is a long-standing expectation that family will continue regardless of how people rearrange their “coupling” and personal lives. This meant that my grandparents were expected to show up, participate and be civil at holiday and family events even in the midst of their divorce. If they couldn’t be nice (and, of course, sometimes people can’t) then they didn’t come. Also, since we’ve had some practice, people tend to stay included as part of the family even after divorce. Instead of “kicking people out” we tend to just make more room. I’m the first person to tell you that this isn’t always comfortable–my children’s father (my ex-husband) is still considered part of the extended family. This definitely makes things better for the kids and creates a sense of continuance and “extended” family even in families where divorce occurs.
If this isn’t the way things are handled in your extended family, you can still help your child remain connected to beloved aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. after divorce. It just takes more effort. Telling the “family story” becomes more complicated–but certainly not impossible. My kids find it hard to believe that their paternal grandparents or maternal grandparents (all divorced before they were born) were ever married to EACH OTHER! They have grown used to having four full sets (and all the presents and connections that can bring). Of course, I do sometimes worry that my kids will assume that people just don’t get married forever, but they are living in a world where divorce is quite prevalent and I’d rather they learn how to deal with changes and partings in a healthy way in preparation and learn how to stay connected even with all the inevitable changes and rearranging that can happen in a family.