It can be a devastating blow for a newly married couple. After all the plans and promises, for some reason you can’t have children. The stress is incredible, and the blaming comes without thought or consideration; you’re focused on why, and the physical aspects of the problem, forgetting to console each other and take care of each other emotionally.
Depression and privacy issues cause you to avoid your friends. You watch happy couples with children at the park and it’s worse, you blame God, your spouse, yourself. Sometimes its so bad that the two of you isolate yourselves, declining invitations to spend time with other couples because you dread the inevitable questions about how many children you plan to have. Your arguments escalate over seemingly small problems because there is always the bigger concern.
It is during this time that you may consider fertility treatments. Be sure you go in informed. Talk to your doctor and go online or get a referral for the latest technology and articles. Talk about it openly with your spouse and doctor. It may be helpful to join a support group of other couples who are experiencing the same physical and emotional effects; you will feel much better knowing that you are not alone. (Almost 10% of all married couples can’t conceive.)
One or both of you may not be able to talk about this at first. Men especially are still under a lot of pressure socially to be able to father children,( especially sons, even though this is an archaic attitude) and are much less likely able to talk openly about this with anyone, much less a bunch of strangers in a support group at first. Don’t push each other and yet, be aware that there is a need for communication.
When deciding on a fertility clinic or doctor’s treatment, know that some of the side effects can cause emotional imbalance. You may experience a range of emotions as a side effect of the drug, and this is when support groups can help the most. Educate yourselves as much as possible, take notes during all office visits and keep copies of all treatment paperwork and prescriptions. Take care of each other, go to couples counseling or fertility counseling which address all areas of treatment, from physical to the emotional ups and downs.
A word about fertility treatments and sex; you and your spouse may get so caught up in trying to get pregnant that your intimacies aren’t as spontaneous or fun as they were when you were newlyweds. This doesn’t have to be the case. You don’t have to schedule sex; you can be as spontaneous as you used to be, keep behaving as if you were first dating (or married, if you were saving intimacies for after the wedding.)
Remember that even if your plans don’t work out, that you saw something in each other that made you fall in love, and an open marriage with good communication and love can continue to see you through the toughest of times.