This is the number one reason that couples fight, money. Number two is children and in-laws, but we’ll get to that.
It has been called the root of all evil, the brass ring, the American Dream, and while it is true (and sad) that we need a certain amount of money to pay our bills and survive, the getting and holding onto our money has taken first place on the list of “how to tell if someone’s a success.” It is who you are, not how much you make that determines success, but try to tell that to consumer America, who has had media concepts of materialism and monetary success shoved at them since they could watch TV or read a magazine.
Financial strains on marriage are usually about expectations. You had an expectation of what your marriage was going to look like going into it, whether you admit it or not, and when a spouse can’t live up to that expectation financially, problems begin to rear their ugly heads. Maybe one of you was hoping that you wouldn’t have to work to make ends meet. In today’s world, how realistic was that? Maybe one of you made a promise that you couldn’t-through no fault of your own- keep.
Maybe you both think you need a lot more materially than you really do, could that be it? Is it really that important to have three or more credit cards? (Statistics show most households have at least three, and two of them are maxed out.) You’ll both need to sit down and agree to discuss your finances together, without arguing, and possibly with a mediator if necessary. Money conversations can be some of the most heated arguments we have with our loved ones, above all, don’t let it tear you apart.
Maybe there is a serious problem that is causing financial stress on the marriage, such as a drinking or gambling problem. If that is the case, you need to get help with that before you can even begin to think about sorting out financial stresses. Perhaps there has been a sudden illness and the insurance isn’t helping much, there isn’t much you can do about that, so stop arguing about it.
Over and over again, the most important thing you can remember about your marriage is that neither one of you was in it for the money (hopefully!) and keep your priorities straight. With help, you can come up with a reasonable and workable budget, and you can stick to it. Debt consolidation counselors often offer free budget planning, and if you belong to a credit union, chances are that money management is included with your membership. Don’t be afraid (or too proud) to ask for help when learning how to manage your finances. Marriages don’t come with handbooks, and if you weren’t raised with a good idea on how to manage your money, you simply need to learn, no shame involved.
If you would like to earn more money for the household and your spouse is against it ( as archaic as that may be) you may want to think about bringing your pastor or religious mentor into the conversation, if nothing else, they may be able to give you advice or the ear you need. The bottom line is ask for help, don’t fight about it. Don’t let money win.