We focus on our child’s socialization and trying to help them maneuver the often stressful world of school, sports, the neighborhood and other activities but as parents, we may have our own minefield to maneuver. Many of us have come up against the “clique” at the PTA, the soccer team or other exclusive groups. It can be just as painful and frustrating for us as it is for our child.
I cannot count how many times I have been on the exclusion end of a pack of clique-y parents. There have been soccer teams where my child was “welcome” to play but it was obvious that for whatever reason, I did not fit the mold of what a typical parent was supposed to be. There have been volunteer committees and neighborhood groups that were anything but welcoming. Even though we may think that our self-esteem is in tact and we are strong, friendly, and successful people in other areas of our lives, it can still hurt to come up against a pack of excluding parents.
I found that the part that could be most disturbing was when I saw my child getting hurt or excluded by these cliques. There can be parties that a child is not invited to or (and this HAS happened to one or more of my kids) friends who are told that they cannot hang out with the child because they just “are not our people.” Once you face the pain of being excluded as a parent, you have a few options: You can try to get involved and still make friends, you can try to change the situation, or you can let things go and seek solace elsewhere. I admit that at one time or another, I have used ALL of these coping skills. It just depended on the situation and what was necessary to make my child’s life (and my life too) better. In a small community, it might be better to figure out a way to get along for the short term, while other times it feels right to just walk away and refuse to play the game. Stay true to yourself and your values and try not to take any excluding (or pressuring) parent cliques to heart. This can be a good opportunity to model our values for our children and teach them how to deal with similar situations.
Also: Your Child’s First Clique
Making Friends at Work: Helpful or Harmful?