After a divorce or separation, you may be hoping for “out of sight, out of mind.” Or, at least, you might like to only have to deal with your ex at pre-arranged times for transfers and child-related decisions. However, there is the “public” factor to be considered—all the sporting events, special occasions, and performances involving your child where you will have to deal with the ex, and possible his or her new partner, in public.
I don’t know about you, but the public events were the hardest for me to get used to. I would get “triggered”—particularly at my kids’ sporting events where I’d always been so unhappy with my ex’s behavior when we were married. It was as if his behavior was still some sort of reflection on me and my children. Learning to let go and release on all of that old stuff took some time and it was hard to be in public events (graduations, performances, sports, etc.) until I’d processed and healed.
There is no law that says you have to sit with your ex-spouse and ex-in-laws, and certainly no law that says you even need to talk to each other in public. I think we do owe it to our children to be mature grown-ups and not cause a scene or make faces or do other immature, rude things. Our children have every right to expect us to behave and be nice and keep our focus on them. For me, this was the saving grace in my learning to cope with public events post-divorce—I focused on my children. My getting out of my own head and concerns and self-recriminations and focusing on them in the current moment, everything else slipped away. I was able to feel some of their pride and happiness at having so many people show up in support, and appreciate the fact that my children really did still have both parents to cheer them on—even if we weren’t the Cleaver’s.
See Also: Thinking of the Other Parent as a Business Partner