One of the hardest things in adoption is to say no to a child that needs a home. We want more than anything to open our hearts and our homes to every child who comes along. However, this is just not possible. There are times when the difficult decision must be made to say no to a referral.
We have not had the experience of saying no to an official referral, but we were presented with the request to consider adopting a child who needed a home. Our homestudy agency remembered that we were open to special needs and so they called us about a 3-year-old girl who needed a placement as quickly as possible. My first inclination, as always, was to say “Yes! We’ll take her!” However, even as I was talking to our social worker I knew that this little girl would not be a good fit for our family. She had very severe special needs that required around-the-clock care. For those of you who have been following our adoption story, you know that we are already in the process of adopting two children. As my husband and I talked about this little girl, we knew fairly quickly that this would not be a good choice for our family at this time.
When deciding to accept or decline a referral, it is important to consider your family and how that child would fit into your family. Sometimes, the answer is that the child is not a good fit. While it is such a difficult thing to do, it is also sometimes the best thing for you and your family.
The most important thing when you decline a referral is to not be too hard on yourself. Remember that adoption isn’t just about rescuing a child who needs a home. Instead, it is about creating a family. If a child might not fit in your family, then that probably means that they are supposed to be part of another family. If you have thought through your decision and you know that it is the best one for your current family then realize that it is probably the best decision for that child as well.
I think that one of the most frustrating things about adoption is that you can’t help all of the children. I look at the faces of the children in my daughter’s orphanage and I wish with all my heart that I could take them all home with me. While I will admit I haven’t completely resolved this issue in my own mind, what I have to tell myself is that we all do the best we can and that there is a Higher Power who is watching out for all of these little ones and that He has a plan for their lives.