It might seem obvious that little children need and want structure and organization surrounding their lives–but it can become less obvious as kids get older. The way they push against those limits and seem to embrace mess and chaos can cause us to believe that they really don’t want the structure and organization we parents impose. But, the truth is–even those teenagers who are telling us to “loosen up” and “butt out” really do want structure and organization–they are just trying to learn how to do some it themselves.
I think we humans strive to make order and structure out of chaos, but I also think it is human nature to push against it if there is too much structure. As kids grow older, they want to have a say in the structure of their lives. We think they are advocating no rules, no limits, and “anarchy”–but I think they are really just trying to take on some of that structuring and imposing order for themselves. As parents, we can gradually turn over some of the structure to our kids–without throwing up our arms and letting all the rules and order go by the wayside (at the same time, if we cling too tightly, they will react by pushing and rebelling even harder.)
I also think it helps to get some other adults and mentors in on the process. If a growing child has only his or her parents as providers of structure–they might think that it is a mom and dad thing–not a reality of living in society. By learning how other adults structure their lives and absorbing lessons from other people, places, and institutions–in addition to from his or her own parents, a child can become even more confident and capable of structuring and ordering his or her own life. Eventually, we parents really do have to “turn things over”–so by continuing to provide, encourage, and support structure and limits–we can prepare our child for being the responsible rule of his own life.
Also: Encouraging Resourcefulness in Our Kids
What Do Children Need More–Structure or Freedom?