Do you live with resentment and grudges? Are they a third party at your table for two? The problem with this type of third party is that they are an elephant in the room or they take up two spaces at your table and they can leave you chomping at the bit, ready to wreak havoc on your spouse whether they genuinely deserve it or not.
Crime and Punishment
When you carry around a suitcase full of grudges, packed tightly with resentment, you may find yourself eyeing every activity your spouse does with a harsh eye of judgment. That harsh eye contemplates the paybacks for all slights real or imagined. For men, this can mean they say nothing about things they think their spouse may disagree with.
It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than it is for permission.
There’s a phrase I can’t stand. I’ve known many men who use this as their method to get their own way and they think since the spouse will just have to deal with it or get angry for a bit before they get over it. It’s a really disrespectful way of coping with problems. It’s also a way to plant the seeds of festering resentment in your spouse.
Withholding Intimate Relations
I don’t know many women who say it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission. Instead, they withhold physical and intimate affection. They freeze out their spouses even when they have no direct comment to make. When it comes to resentment and grudges, women see a punishment to be extracted and men see it as a repair to be made to something that’s been neglected.
Paying your spouse back for slights real or imagined may lead to stealing, lying, cheating and other negative behaviors to your spouse. None of these actions or reactions is going to have a positive effect on a relationship.
One couple that we used to be close with, always seemed to have a great relationship. When they broke up rather abruptly after the holidays, we heard a lot of different stories, but the one commonality they both discussed was the fact that the other always seemed to be punishing each other. There were days on days of silent treatments, there were intimate relations withheld and whenever they fought, every transgression real or imagined came to light.
A year after their divorce, they are best friends and they enjoy dating and seeing each other. When asked why does their relationship work now when it didn’t work when they were married – their answer is simple – they stopped punishing each other, freezing each other out and harboring their grudges against each other. When they did that – they found all the things that they’d adored about each other in the beginning are still there.
On the up side, they are in counseling and working together to form a stronger, more trusting relationship. Will they get married again? We don’t know, but they are happier now without lugging around all those grudges and resentment.
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