More specifically, did you break up before you got engaged, which led to your engagement and eventual nuptials?
Wayne and I did.
I used to think that was bizarre, but I’ve since met others who traveled the same road.
It certainly confounded a lot of people at the time. When we did tie the knot they sure didn’t think we’d make it to 12 years and counting, that’s for sure.
And why would they? We’d had differences that had caused us to split, so why get back together in such a dramatic fashion as immediately getting engaged? What had changed so much we felt we needed to take that next step when we couldn’t do it before?
In our case we had been fighting about marriage, something I touched on in Shopping for Engagement Rings: Go With or Be Surprised?. We’d been together seven years. We’d lived together for three of those. What more was there to know?
But he didn’t want to propose so I said, “Adios, amigo!”
Okay, so I wasn’t that cheeky about it and it wasn’t as easy as all that. It was painful.
But I learned I’d be okay out on my own. He learned that I was doing okay out on my own. And that was crucial in changing his mind.
Part of not wanting to marry me was because he feared we’d end up exactly like we have –with him financially supporting us both. I contributed when we lived together (and I contribute financially a little even now), but my jobs never brought in as much as his. He wasn’t entirely comfortable with that. He wanted the financial contributions going into the pot to be more even.
But then I was gone and somehow making it on my own with what little money I did make. “How was that possible?” he wondered. “She needs me.”
True. I needed him, not his money.
There’s a little principle writers are taught to heed to make their writing stronger: Show, don’t tell.
No matter how many times I tried to tell Wayne I didn’t need his money, I couldn’t convince him. I had to show him.
But in addition to seeing I could exist on my own financially was a lesson he wasn’t expecting to learn. I did bring value to the relationship. Something different than but as equally important as finances. Something that was missing once I left. A value he only realized existed because I was gone.
I unfortunately don’t know the word for it. In general you could call it caring, as in care-giving. But it’s beyond that. It’s a sensitivity, a patience, a nurturing, a tenderness, and a devotion that not everyone was willing to give. (We both dated a little during our break.)
It took us breaking up, though, for him to realize this unnamable quality was so important and was one he wasn’t willing to live without.
So even though breaking up sucked, it turned out only to be a break. A very beneficial one.
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