Once upon a time, that reader known as Jade “The Muse” Walker sent me a link to a story about someone’s friend having an affair. The friend’s dilemma: should she tell her friend’s husband about it or not?
In addition to asking what I would do, Jade posed another interesting question. “If the situation was reversed, would you want to know?”
Sticky Situations
Because Jade sent this back when my mom had just moved in with us, I don’t recall everything the article said. (Lots has happened since then and the link is now inactive. I couldn’t reread the article to refresh my memory.) However, it brought to mind a discussion I saw on Today about how to handle such sticky situations.
The thing I took from that was there is no right answer for how to deal with friends and inappropriate behavior.
Types of Sticky Situations
In addition to busting your friend in the middle of the affair, there’s the problem of busting your friend’s spouse in an affair. Do you tell, or keep the knowledge to yourself?
There’s also the matter of what if your friend’s spouse hits on you? Not only do you have the dilemma of whether or not to tell your friend about it, but do you also tell your spouse?
Why There Is No Right Answer
To tell or not to tell is complicated. People who know about inappropriate behavior often have different motivations for deciding whether to tell or not. Some want to be helpful and protect their friend, yes, but surprisingly some have less than noble reasons for sharing such revelations.
One of the psychologists they talked to on Today suggested women especially take a sort of sick pleasure being the bearer of such sad news. Others take a sick pleasure in keeping it to themselves. In both cases it’s a way for them to feel better about themselves.
“Poor Sally. I’m so sorry your husband’s not as devoted as mine.” Or, “Sure, Sally, your life is so perfect. That’s why your husband’s cheating and you don’t have any clue.”
Another thing the psychologists warned about was that you have to be prepared to bear the brunt of the fury when delivering such news. The receiving party is going to be understandably upset. Or hostile. Maybe even irrational. Likely they’ll deny it. They might lash out at you instead of their spouse. This could irreparably damage your friendship with them. Is that a consequence you’re willing to accept?
If so, arm yourself with proof. That way it’s not just hearsay. You have solid evidence showing you’re not just telling tales out of school. This can help protect your friendship.
My Answers
So, knowing all that, would I tell? Would I want someone else to tell me? I’ll share my answers in Part 2.
Related Articles
An Affair Doesn’t Mean “The End”
Which is Worse: An Emotional Affair or a Physical One?
Can a Marriage Survive an Affair?
Do People Really Go Looking for an Affair?
What You Might Not Have Known About Affairs
The Psychology of Why Married Men Cheat, Part 1
The Psychology of Why Married Men Cheat, Part 2
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