I’ve been a single parent for the past six years. One of the many things I’ve discovered along this path is that discipline is really tough to balance out when you’re the only parent in the household. Most couples will admit that there’s always a good cop/bad cop way of enforcing rules in the family. In my marriage I was the good cop and their father was the bad cop. (He was too bad in various ways, which is why we parted ways.)
When I found myself a single parent with five daughters to guide and keep in line when need be, I noticed that I had absolutely no idea how to keep a balance when it came to disciplining them. Being the good cop for so many years, it was difficult for me to exert force and to know how much was too much or not enough.
Combine this with me working from home seven days a week and feeling tired, stressed, and just plain numb sometimes. Unfortunately, I sometimes found myself raging about something trivial like schoolbooks left on the floor, while overlooking something that needed real discipline.
Before committing myself to the insane asylum or turning into a cruel dictator, I decided to step back and try a different approach. As a nearly obsessive list-maker, I created a “Rules, Rewards and Repercussions” outline. Many parents find making a list of rules helpful.
On this list I wrote down the rules I wanted them to live their daily lives by. There were simple things on there like daily chores and homework, to bigger things like lying and breaking curfew. I then came up with the repercussions they would face if they broke the rule(s) and also rewards for following them.
When I finished this information I shared it with my kids and asked for their opinions and input. Everyone deserves a voice, no matter how young, so I wanted to see what they had to say about this. Contrary to what kids may say, they do crave structure in their lives, but not militant constraints.
After they looked over the list of “triple Rs” they surprised me by not only agreeing, but also offering some of their own ideas. For certain broken rules they felt they should get a heavier punishment-—no phone, no video games and extra chores, rather than just one of those. They also worked with me to create rewards that truly appealed to them and would give them incentive to follow the rules. Of course, I had to be okay with the rewards too.
In the end we had a workable plan so that everyone knew what was expected of them and what would happen if they didn’t follow through. Naturally, this system hasn’t ended the arguing, the messes, and the occasional excuse as to why curfew was broken, but it’s helped a great deal. On top of that, I have most of my sanity intact at the end of the day.