I remember my mother as a woman who was not afraid to speak up and discipline any kid any where. I’m sure that my memory is exaggerating a bit, but she really was/is someone who seemed to have no qualms about letting kids know that their behavior was out of line. With embarrassing memories from my own childhood still fresh, I wrestled with when and how to discipline other people’s children when my kids were small. When it was my turn to host the playgroup, I dreaded when the fights broke out or someone (other than my children) misbehaved. Over the years, I’ve grown relaxed and confident about such things, but I know it’s an issue for many parents.
My discomfort was compounded by the fact that I didn’t really like other people disciplining my children! I felt as if I was being called on the carpet if my kids got in trouble from someone else, AND my protective mom instincts would kick in and I’d have a difficult time seeing things objectively. As we all got older, I got a grip and learned to let go and let my kids learn how to move around in a world that wasn’t controlled by mom.
Of course, it helps if you know the other kids and the other parents well. If parenting styles are similar and values are at least somewhat compatible, it makes it easier to dole out the discipline. When it’s really tough is when you and the other parents may have quite different approaches and styles. As someone who never spanked her children, I would be angry and horrified if someone was to spank my child. (Wasn’t there an episode of “Desperate Housewives” where one of the moms spanked someone else’s naughty child?) Fortunately, I think most people would agree that is a biggie and would be going way over the line. But, how about time-outs? Scolding? Losing toys and privileges? While we want to keep things fair and equitable when supervising a group of kids, it can be hard stepping in when it’s not our own child misbehaving.
As with many things, communication is key. Feeling like we can talk to the other parents about the issues that arise without feeling like we’re tattling. I found that it helps to bring things up in advance—prior to the playgroup—stating our own theories and philosophies on discipline and initiating a conversation with the parents first. Then, follow up by letting them know casually and calmly if there were any discipline issues that popped up.
Disciplining someone else’s child is controversial and definitely a touchy subject. What’s your take? How do you feel about disciplining another child or having your child disciplined by someone else?