“Do as I say, not as I do.” How many times did we hear something like that when we were growing up? Both parents and teachers have used that one. The problem with that line of thinking is clearly illustrated with another axiom: “what you do speaks so loudly that I can’t hear what you say.” Modeling the behavior we desire from our children is critical in helping to teach our kids good habits, and the moral values we want to pass on to them.
My old pastor used to say, “More is caught than taught” when it comes to teaching kids the things that really matter. In my previous career as a social worker I used to do a lot of home visits. On more than one occasion, I became sad when I would hear young children use profanity in the home – even in front of their parents. Then, I would hear the parent use the same language in front of their kids. Other times I would try and talk to the children and the parent would have “R-Rated” movies playing in the background with plenty of sex and violence.
Is it any wonder that these same children are getting into trouble at school for disrespecting their teachers and administrators by using profanity? Of course there are even worse behaviors that these children are involved in before, during and after school. But, it starts with a permissive attitude at home, and a poor example by parents, who just don’t care anymore.
Many of these parents were raised the same way in their homes. Poverty, domestic violence, emotional abuse, and substance abuse are a part of their everyday life. Drug and alcohol use is an attempt by many to self medicate in order to hide from their pain –a pain that never really goes away. Some parents don’t use drugs and alcohol to escape, but they might use sex, music, or movies to mask their pain. Still, some parents put their child in front of the TV as a substitute babysitter. At some point, the parents just gave up on caring about what their kids were actually watching on TV and putting into their minds.
The “do as I say” routine doesn’t carry a lot of weight with kids when they think their parents are hypocrites. I recall one time my oldest son was swearing about something when he was angry. I told him this behavior was unacceptable. He quickly pointed out that I used profanity when I got mad.
He had me…and I knew it.
I admitted to my son that losing my temper and using profanity was always an area that I had struggled with since my youth. I further pointed out that profanity was an accepted practice in the office where I worked, which made it even harder for me to overcome. However, I accepted responsibility for my actions and told my son that he needed to do the same.
We both made a promise to each other to watch our language at home, and any other place where this behavior was seen as unacceptable. I also told him that even if the behavior is accepted in some situations, practicing the undesirable behavior can still cause us problems later. It’s hard to stop swearing at home when you’ve been doing it all day at work or school.
Related Articles:
If We Want Our Children to Have Character Traits, We Need to Have Them First