Often the nature of our friendships change when we have a child with a disability. This may happen for a number of reasons. We might feel that our friends are the ones distancing themselves after the diagnosis. But perhaps we are subconsciously pushing them away. We presume that they can’t understand our pain, and won’t relate to us anymore. We might even feel inadequate, and a little ashamed.
Lillian Tommasone, the mother of one autistic child and another with multiple handicaps said,
“From my own experience, I know that it’s just about impossible not to feel isolated from friends—at least in the beginning. As a young mother I felt cut off from my close friends who had had normal babies. Their babies learned, grew, and changed every day. My baby seemed to be frozen in time. My friends would chatter and chuckle about the cute and darling things their toddlers were doing. I’d feel so alone and sad because I couldn’t contribute to the conversation. I felt that even if I did share one of Mike’s achievements, it would have been one that their children had mastered long ago.”
(From the book Children with Autism, Edited by Michael D. Powers, Psy.D.)
My Friendship Struggles
I also noticed a distancing from my friends after Kyle was first diagnosed. However, in retrospect, the isolation may have been my own choosing. Perhaps I felt a little irritated by their seemingly perfect lives, with their darling houses, wonderful marriages, and Nordstrom clothes. Here I was, with a child so difficult I could barely get into my car without a meltdown. And my marriage was falling apart.
I think that my friends were waiting for cues from me, because they weren’t exactly sure what to do or how to respond. They wanted me to guide them. And for some reason I resented that. I expected them to instinctively know what I needed, which wasn’t fair. Especially when I wasn’t exactly sure of my needs myself.
Some friendships will fade.
It’s true that some friends might fade away once they learn of the diagnosis. They may be unable to understand your child’s condition, and feel uncomfortable about it. Some are just downright afraid. It’s as if your child’s condition might “rub off” on one of their kids. Or maybe your “misfortune” might somehow give them bad luck. They might be too high-society to want to associate with the real nitty-gritty, hard realities of life. These are the kinds of “friends” that need to fade into the background. Frankly, they are lacking in character. And they are never going to give you the support, love, and encouragement you need.
The sifting begins…
It can be eye-opening, even disturbing, to see which friends are your tried-and-true anchors, and which ones are flittering and fleeting. It’s hard to see friendships disappear, but consider the experience a necessary sifting. Your real friends will never leave you, and only need a little direction in how to come through. Forgive them for the awkward moments in the beginning. Give them time to adjust, grieve, and cope in their own way. When given the opportunity, they can help you enormously.
Seek out new friendships if your current ones are fading. Perhaps this is a time in your life to build deeper, more meaningful relationships with people who aren’t afraid to face life’s challenges. Look to others in a similar predicament, through foundations representing your child’s disorder, or even parents in your child’s special classes. New, lasting and fulfilling friendships may be just around the corner.
Did your friendships change after your child’s diagnosis? Were you disappointed by close friends? What were your experiences?