We so often read or hear about the defiant, strong-willed child and what steps we can take to get them to become more cooperative. Maybe you are the parent of one of these kids and find yourself at the end of your rope. Have you ever considered that your parenting style might be responsible for your child’s defiance?
In their book, Try and Make Me!, Ray Levy and Bill O’Hanlon write about three parenting styles that just might contribute to your child’s defiance.
The Defiant Parent
These parents expect perfect compliance from their kids. They tell them what to do and precisely how to do it. When their kids question an order (“Why do I have to wash dishes again?”), the response is generally, “Because I said so; that’s why.” If parents make every issue a control one then you are more than likely going to create opposition and defiance instead of a compliance and cooperation.
The Peacemaker Parent
These parents have a hard time handling negativity. They also think that if their house is not harmonious then it reflects negatively on them. The will therefore do anything to keep the peace and appease their kids. They will sometimes spend huge sums of money buying their kids expensive items— all to avoid conflict.
The Apprehensive Parent
Apprehensive parents are those parents who are afraid to discipline their kids because they fear that others will see what they are doing as child abuse. Even simply discipline techniques, like time out, causes stress for these parents. These parents invariable end up parenting out of fear.
The authors point out that at times we may find ourselves parenting using one or more of the categories as outlined above and that’s okay. It’s only when we do it consistently that we tend to actually contribute to the defiance.
I can say that I definitely have used the, “Because I said so,” card many times and I recognize that it’s not a good thing to say. But it gives me a certain sense of control (however false that might actually be), for a brief time at least.
See also:
You’re Not My Boss! Oppositional Defiant Disorder