Here’s an odd conundrum or maybe it’s not so odd, but I’ve had more than one note from a couple encountering this particular issue and whether it’s the bride’s parents or the groom’s – how do you cope with it when your parents don’t like your in-laws?
For Christa in North Carolina, she describes it as walking a tightrope while juggling especially around the holidays. She and her husband have three children and instead of having one large holiday with the whole family together they spend one part of the holidays with one set of grandparents and the other part with the other grandparents. For some families, this may be usual, but Christa’s parents and in-laws live in the same town, about ten minutes apart. Three years ago, when she was pregnant with her third child, the tension between her parents and the in-laws became so bad that she finally asked both sets to just leave her alone for a while because she couldn’t placate her parents or enjoy her relationship with her in laws when they were so hostile with each other.
For Martin in Nebraska, it’s a slightly different story. His mother raised three children as a single mom after their father took off when Martin was eight. He has a great relationship with both of his in-laws, but his mother acts hurt or injured if he brings up his father-in-law or if he takes any advice from him or seeks advice. In fact, the situation became so intolerable that Martin has to go out of his way to not mention his father-in-law at all in order to keep the peace with his mother.
For Anna in California, her parents are both immigrants having migrated to the United States in the 1960s. Her husband’s parents have lived in California for five generations. They seem to come from two different cultures and while these differences seem to complement Anna and her husband, it has often created contentious friction between her parents and her in-laws. Any gatherings that require both her parents and her in-laws to be present are very stiff and tension filled especially since Anna’s parents are not as outgoing and boisterous as her husband’s.
The Problem
Three different couples from three different parts of the country and for all three of them there are problems with their parents and their in-laws. Friction between relatives may be expected to some degree, but when your parents and your spouse’s parents do not get along, it can leave you feeling like the monkey in the middle trying to intercept those balls and overextending yourself to compensate for both sides of the relationship.
What’s important to remember from the get go, is that your marriage is your marriage. While you are both products of your families and your families, including your parents and siblings are important, when you choose to make a marriage and a family with your spouse – then you are putting your spouse first and that’s all right. Part of honoring your spouse is honoring his family and vice-versa – our parents need to remember that and if they have to be reminded – then that’s important too.
We’re going to be talking about different ways this type of stress can affect a marriage and how to cope with it this week – particularly when the relationship between the parents is extremely negative and what you can do to help alleviate that negativity from affecting your marriage and your children.
Do your parents like your in-laws?
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