Sometimes, our child’s behavior can be consistent—he behaves the same whether he is at home or out and about or at Grandmother’s house. But, there are other times when a child may behave fine in certain circumstances, and then the behavior becomes an issue in other circumstances. What does this mean? Is it the child’s problem? The parent’s? or is it due to something else?
Of course, as parents our goal is to get our child to a place where they behave decently regardless of where they are—but for some kids the shifts and changes in environment and expectations can definitely affect behavior. As parents, we need to evaluate what is going on—what is the troubling behavior and why is it happening? Getting down to the true motivation can be challenging, but it can be tough to solve the behavior problems long-term without finding these things out.
With three children, I have seen all sorts of versions of differing behavior—I had one child who definitely behaved worse at home—taking out all of the frustrations from the rest of the world on her family and behaving like an angel out in the “real world.” Another child seemed to have behavior difficulties at school and nowhere else. Extended family thought this child was great, and at home, this one has always been relatively well-behaved—minding, helping out, and such, and any extracurricular activities and sports, this child was a model participant—but at school, the behavior has always been an issue.
I think our tendency as parents is to always think that it is our fault and, many schools and teachers want to hold parents responsible for their children’s behavior no matter where the child is. While I most certainly feel that I am my child’s guardian and the responsible party regardless, I think that if a child’s behavior is situational-specific, we need to look at the elements of that situation and try to figure out what is REALLY going on. Otherwise, we are not really helping the child learn to manage his or her behavior in different situations and environments.
Also: Let’s Get Down to the Bottom of This
Sometimes There is More of a Reward for Misbehavior than for Good Behavior
Do Your Kids Actually Know What is Expected?