I know that this may seem like a “no brainer” as we used to say in the 1990’s–comparing one child to his or her sibling-whether you think you are being positive or not, is seldom a good idea. No matter how mild you think you are being, any time you say something like, “Well, your sister did XYZ” or “I never had to say X to your brother” you are creating animosity and sending a message to your child that he or she just isn’t good enough–especially, compared to the sibling.
You may think that you are just commenting on the differences between siblings. I am here to tell you, however, that as the parent of teenagers, sometimes saying something as simple as “Your hair has much more brown in it than your brother’s” can be taken to mean you like the brother’s hair better because it has less brown in it! It might seem totally innocent and just a passing comment, but comparisons between siblings when made by a parent (or anyone, really) can have lasting ripples of influence.
Of course, none of us is perfect and those occasional comparisons are going to trickle out. You probably won’t be able to catch yourself from comparing when child X started walking to when child Y did–but chances are the children will “hear” that you are making a competitive comparison and one of them is better than the other because he or she walked earlier. The more you can just refrain from making comparisons between siblings, the better off you will be and the higher your child’s self-esteem. Even though you may really understand that each child is different, special and unique–there is a natural competition that exists between most siblings that does not need to be fueled by a parent’s comments. As a side note, this really goes for making any sort of comparisons between children–even neighbors, cousins, and kids on TV!
Also: Don’t Make Sibling Comparisons
How to Deal with Sibling Rivalry