This may seem like a no-brainer, but we all do it. It can be hard to balance your marriage needs versus your duties as a parent – but in this area – your duty as a parent and as a marriage partner actually sync up. It’s important to recognize that when you and your partner have serious disagreements that need serious discussion – you don’t need an audience adult or child based.
When you have disagreements in front of an audience, you are inviting them to participate in your disagreement, debate or quarrel. I wouldn’t imagine anyone wants their children chiming in amidst their disagreement. People who commonly quarrel believe that it’s okay for their kids to hear it, they are used to it and they can always go to their rooms to get away from it.
It’s Not Okay
When your children constantly anticipate these battles and take cover, they are not in a healthy situation. Your marriage is not in a healthy place either. Disagreements are completely normal between you and your spouse. But screaming matches are not. Yelling and screaming and escalating conflict that can actually involve your children in the battle on one side or the other is not healthy.
There were studies done at both Brown University and Auburn University that found children between the ages of 8 and 9 who’s parents were involved in moderate levels of conflict lost about 30 minutes of sleep a night. Studies at the University of Notre Dame and the University of Rochester showed that 6 year olds do not get used to constant parental conflict.
Kids Notice Things
It’s hard to be married. It’s hard to be a parent. But the best thing you can do for your marriage and for your kids is to recognize that disagreements and quarrels are a private matter that need to be identified and resolved between you and your spouse without an audience. Don’t fall back on the silent treatment either, kids aren’t stupid – they recognize tension and hostility as easily as an animal does. So do your entire family a favor – figure out your problems on your own and provide your children with a positive example of conflict resolution that doesn’t involve screaming matches.
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