Earlier today, I introduced the troublesome topic of what it is like to drop off and leave a crying and tantruming child at day care (or anywhere else.) I wrote about trying to figure out what is going on and doing some hard self-examination to see if you have any part in the separation issues. Once you have determined what may or may not be fueling the tears and tantrums, you can start to figure out what to do about it.
I think the keys to making the transition at day care or another person’s house are preparation and learning how to detach with compassion. Preparation means making sure that the child knows what is going to happen and has been prepared for the inevitable transition. Some children need to do this every day: “After we eat breakfast today, we are going to get dressed and I am going to drive you over to Bonnie’s. You will play at Bonnie’s today and I need to go to work.” A simple explanation stating what is going to happen with authority can help prepare the child for the inevitable. Many parents choose to not mention it in hopes the child will not notice or to avoid a tantrum at home. I always found that it was better to prepare the child in advance and deal with the resistance at home, than to wait until we were in the coat closet at day care.
Talking about day care and the way you both spend your day helps to normalize it. It becomes just “something that we do” and the more you talk about it, the more it may alleviate anxiety for the child.
If you have done your preparation work, you may be able to feel less guilty about detaching and leaving your child at day care, even if she is crying. You can always call the provider and check in after 10 or 15 minutes to reassure yourself that the child has stopped crying. Instead of threatening or indulging the child, you can simply say something like “I love you. Have a great day and I can’t wait to catch up with you at 5:30 when I come to pick you up.” A simple statement reassuring the child when you will be back and a hug/kiss can become your routine—regardless of whether the child cries or not. By staying consistent and compassionate, and still detaching and going about what needs to be done, the child will get used to the process.