A few years back there was a bit of a buzz about “emotional intelligence.” The idea was promoted by Daniel Goleman and he came up with some tests so that individuals could figure out what their ability was to perceive, respond and manage one’s own emotions and the capacity to also perceive and respond to the emotions of others. The theory was that we needed to not only be book smart and aware of facts and figures, but that our human relationships would also be stronger and more fulfilling if we developed these emotional intelligence skills. As a single parent, getting out of the realm of facts and figures and more into understanding how our families are affected by emotions can be a good thing.
As I understand it, the very basis of emotional intelligence is self awareness. This means that we understand what we are feeling and why, and we are able to manage our own feelings and responses to a point. Now, I know that emotions and feelings can be a wild card—we do not always know why we are feeling the way we do and there can be no explaining chemistry and other influences. Still, the more aware we can learn to be, the more we can own our emotions and feelings and be more available for our children. We will also be able to have healthy boundaries and know where our emotions and issues begin and end and where our children’s begin and end. This helps our kids to grow up with healthy boundaries and develop the skills for themselves.
In order to do this as a single parent, we have to make communication and emotional management a priority. This means processing and letting go of old baggage so that we can be present in the here and now and learning how to claim our feelings instead of blaming others for them. The ultimate goal is to learn how to acknowledge and appreciate our feelings and emotions without being controlled by them—and what single parent couldn’t benefit from that?