I find it fascinating that when I talk to people about communication, they often want to talk about “talking”—they want to “communicate” which means they want to be able to talk, tell stories, express their feelings and have someone else listen. When we parents talk about communicating with our children, we are often lamenting the fact that we do not think they hear and understand us or we are not sure if we are getting through to them. I believe that true communication can only happen when it is a two-way street—both parties are speaking, listening and understanding each other. When we strive to get clear communication with our children, this means that we ought to be encouraging them to speak and listen and doing the same ourselves.
In order to teach our children to be good communicators, we have to work on our own communication skills. It can be somewhat radical for a parent who believes that his or her job is to teach and be the authority figure in the family to think about communication as a two-way exchange with a child. It is much more common for us to try to tell them what they are thinking, tell them what we think they should be saying and doing, or to interrupt and give them direction. Actually listening and striving to have an equal, two-way communication with our children may seem incredibly foreign.
It just takes practice. It might help to look at other areas of your life and see if you have communication issues with friends, coworkers, a partner or spouse, or others as well. Chances are that you may be used to doing all the talking or all the listening or there may at least be room for improvement in your communication in other facets as well. As you work to practice expressing yourself and listening and encouraging others to express themselves too (and this does not just mean ‘taking turns’) then you will find skills to use in encouraging two-way communication with your child or children too.