Does your relationship ever suffer from control issues? Not sure? If not, see if you answer yes to any of the following questions:
• Do you ever see your spouse doing some task that is not the way you do it and tell them they’re doing it wrong? (And then proceed to show them how to do it right, a.k.a. “your way.”)
• Has your spouse ever watched you do some task and commented that you’re not doing it right? (a.k.a. “their way”)
• Do you ever not want your spouse to do some task because you know he or she won’t do it the way you do? (And therefore will do it wrong?)
• Do you redo certain tasks after your spouse has done them to “correct” their wrong way of doing it?
Wayne and I have been living together for almost 18 years now. In the early years we used to fight a lot. Most of what we fought about had little to do with whatever we were arguing about and a lot to do with control.
His Way or No Way
Something Wayne hears me say on occasion that will gripe him to no end is: “Oh yeah, I forgot. It’s Wayne’s way or no way.”
Usually I say this when he’s trying to correct some behavior of mine, I’m resisting, and next thing you know we’re arguing over the correct way to do something. (How I drive and any kind of yard work I try to help with are likely to spur such “You’re not doing it right” criticism from him. And then I respond with my saying.)
But he’s not the only one guilty as charged.
My Way or I’ll Redo It
I’m less vocal than Wayne when I see him doing something differently than I would do. (i.e. wrong.) I won’t tell him about it; I’ll just redo it. Especially when it comes to folding laundry and loading the dishwasher.
I fold towels a certain way so they’ll stack just so in the linen closet (or the section of our clothes closet where we store linens), and I have a very particular system for loading dishes so that I can unload them efficiently, and thus quickly. (In yesterday’s article I mentioned how I can be slow, and it’s true. Dishes are one of the few areas where I’m both speedy and precise.)
No One Right Way
Some days both Wayne and I are better than others at remembering there’s not just one right way to do something. There’s one right way for him, and one for me. The trick is to appreciate that.
I’ll discuss some of those tricks in an upcoming article.
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Control Issues in Marriage: Money as a Source of Control
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