I have written recently here in the Single Parenting Blog about the importance of processing unfinished business in regards to divorce, separation, and other unpleasant ways of becoming a single family. I’ve stressed how we need to attend to those unresolved issues and let them go. But, I also realize that when it comes to our children, we can expect them to revisit some of the strong themes and emotions at various times in their growing up years.
It never ceases to amaze me when things that I thought we well hashed-out and dealt with years ago, return as something one of my children is facing and dealing with again. While I may feel like I have fully processed and left something behind in the past–children may need to revisit things as they become more developmentally capable of experiencing and working through unresolved issues. Just because they dealt with the sadness and pain of a divorce when they were 3 years old, does not mean that they won’t dig up some of the old themes and emotions when they turn 12 or 13 and want to go back and work through some things they couldn’t understand of face when they were younger.
Recently, one of my daughters wanted to know the story of how her father and I had met, what our “dating” and early, pre-children years had been like, and what sort of people we had both been. That request caught me quite by surprise since we have been divorced for years, separated for a while before that, and I had gotten complacent–thinking my kids were so used to things the way they are they didn’t miss or really think about how things might have ever been different. It took a while for me to dredge up those long-buried and let-go memories but we had a long, cathartic conversation. I suppose now that she is nearly grown, she wanted to see us both as young people while she was working through and processing some of her own feelings about her family and life in general.
Just because you have let things go and think your life has moved into a completely different space does not mean that as your children grow older, they won’t need to work things out that are leftover or associated with your family history. Have patience and appreciate how healthy it is for them to want to face and deal with things–it is an opportunity to strengthen your bond and contribute to your child’s sense of self.
Also: Normalizing Life as a Single Parent Family
Watch Out for the Unspoken Issues
Letting go of Images and Expectations