Sometimes we can get stuck expecting parenting and child raising to be a linear process–expect that our kids will follow a developmental “standard” or calendar and we’ll watch as they move steadily from one stage to another. But during times of crisis or transition– a move to a new house, a divorce, an illness or death, etc.–children can actually regress, and as parents, we may be expecting too much from them during these difficult times.
Parents have been trained to expect babies and young children to regress during a move or household change, or the birth of a new sibling–but we might not think that older children can be susceptible to these stressors during change and crisis too. They can. An independent twelve-year-old can definitely show signs of regression and demonstrate what we might think are inappropriate for their age behaviors during a divorce, or even upon the birth of a younger sibling. As parents, we may be expecting our older children to cope better or be more of a resource for us during times of crisis or transition than they are actually capable of (or as is healthy for them.)
If a child is showing signs of regression or overload, it is a good idea to take time to try to figure out what is going on. Being afraid to sleep in the dark, returning to younger behaviors, or refusing to take on some of what we may think are appropriate responsibilities and behaviors can be signs that we are expecting too much. A chat with another trusted adult, the child’s teacher and/or coach, or other people who can help to get a clearer picture of what’s going on can help. You may want to try some family therapy to help work through a particularly difficult time and help a child cope and adjust. Sometimes, it may be as simple as having a good heart-to-heart with your child to find out if you are expecting too much or have been overlooking your child’s emotions and needs during a particularly stressful time.
See Also: The Good with the Bad and Walking a Mile in our Children’s Shoes