Here are a few of the comments I’ve gotten when people learn I’ve adopted internationally: “I could never do international adoption. I don’t believe in bribery.” “How much cash did you have to carry under your clothes?” The question I find most surprising comes when I mention that the Korean agency took a while to approve us while they satisfied themselves that my health condition would not unduly limit me as a parent. People get a puzzled look on their face and blurt out “Why would they care?” (A few clueless souls have even done this in front of the children. Actually it is amazing what people will say in front of the children.) The assumption is that the other country just wants to get rid of its children, or worse to make money off its children. Having seen the loving care my children received from so many devoted agency staff, birthparent counselors, child care workers, doctors, nurses and foster parents, I was totally taken aback the first time I encountered this apparently pervasive belief system.
Most countries have an adoption system which attempts to safeguard the wellbeing of the children. As I’ve mentioned in another blog, cultural ideas about how that wellbeing is best served vary, and in some places include some restrictions on health, weight, physical deformity, number of children at home, etc. that would not be considered legal to consider in this country. In many countries people who care for children are fighting legal and cultural systems which will take a long time to change. Korea, for example, has long been trying to increase adoption within Korea so that sending children abroad will be unnecessary. However, the earnest desires of the outspoken advocates I’ve worked with are contending with a deep-seated prejudice against those born out of wedlock which has made it difficult for them to become educated, marry, find good jobs. Even laws change slowly. South Korea just recently allowed Korean adoptive families to add their adopted children to the all-important “family register” which will enable them to be considered heirs and legal equals of birth children.
I am not denying that many countries have cultural attitudes or bureaucracies which make it difficult for some children to thrive. (When you think about it, the U.S. has certain bureaucracies, notably the child welfare and protection systems but also some portions of some health and education systems, which make it difficult for some children to thrive.) However, I’ve met many, many people devoted to the children’s welfare, whose first choice is to take care of all their children, but whose second choice is to recognize that it will be a while until that is possible and to allow individual children who need homes now to find them, abroad if necessary. Most countries have rules set up to try to protect the children and ensure that a future abroad is good. Many countries also cooperate with U.S. adoption agencies and adoptive parent groups to provide cultural resources, including scholarships, for those children they have permitted to be adopted abroad.
And in case you’re wondering, we never bribed anybody. The program fee was paid to the U.S. adoption agency before we left home and they paid the Korean agency its portion. We took no money to Korea whatsoever except for our lodging and tourist expenses. We were apprised of a cultural norm of exchanging gifts, so we brought crafts and specialty food items typical of our state for three agency staff workers and the foster mother. We were in turn given Korean ceramics and souvenirs, a hardcover book, and an elaborate traditional Korean costume for our daughter. But the best gift we could have received was the care lavished on our daughters by dedicated, faith-filled people.
Related blogs:
Different Countries have Different Criteria for Adoption
Types of Adoption Part Three: International Adoption