I am a big believer in the power of language and communication. I think when we give our children the gift of being able to talk about things and empower them with the communication skills and freedom to express their feelings and opinions, they are less likely to act out with negative behaviors.
Kids (and grownups too) who can talk about what is going on in terms of emotional distress or concerns are less likely to need to act out as a coping mechanism. When I say “act out” I am referring to attention-seeking behaviors or aggression or other behavior issues that demand our parenting attention. Helping our children learn how to talk about what is really going on and giving them a vast enough language to talk things through can often help our children NOT feel the need to misbehave in order to get attention or relief from uncomfortable feelings.
I think this is a pretty common experience for a parent: Our child seems to have picked up a bad habit or starts acting out in school–he gets in trouble for disrupting class or gets in a tussle with another child. Once we are able to get past the behavior and talk with our child–and he is able to share what is going on, there is usually a perfectly “logical” reason for why he did what he did. Maybe it isn’t the same reaction an adult would have, but getting down to the root of the emotion or issue behind the behavior helps to make the behavior go away.
Teaching our children how express anger, frustration, embarrassment, fear, anxiety, etc. with language and openness means creating an environment where that is the norm. It means that we, as parents, need to model our own ability to talk through uncomfortable issues and feelings. The more practice kids get in talking about hard issues and personal emotions, the more comfortable they will get with talking things out–instead of acting them out.
Also: Keeping “Family Issues” in Perspective
When a Child is Noncommunicative and Isolating
Ask Yourself–Is This Behavior Intentional?