I know a couple of adoptive families who were interested in adopting from Korea, but said their extended families wouldn’t fully accept a child of color and that wouldn’t be fair to the child. One friend’s father had been a POW in the Korean War and held negative views ever after.
Our own families were very supportive of our adopting from Korea. Nonetheless I’ve observed a couple of instances where they are uncomfortable talking about skin color.
In another blog I described how my Korean-born daughter always chose the darker chair for herself and the lighter one for her brother, feeling that they “matched better” apparently. My father said to my mother and me, “Isn’t it funny how she says she should have the darker chair because she’s darker?”
My mother immediately said, “Shush!”
The issue here is not what my father said, but that my mother felt the need to tell us not to let Meg hear that she had darker skin!
My parents grew up in multicultural neighborhoods in Jersey City and Washington, D.C. I grew up with next-door neighbors from Korea and Thailand. My parents considered adopting a biracial (African-American) child themselves. That child was never placed in our home for reasons unrelated to my parents’ choosing.
My mother has told me many times the story of her response when the social worker asked how she felt about parenting a child of a different race or culture. “I’m Irish-Italian, and I can’t do an Irish jig or an Italian tarantella, so I don’t care if the child does either. We’re all just Americans.”
No doubt my mother thought this view was very progressive. So I was pleasantly surprised when she seemed supportive about Meg going to Korean Culture Day Camp, even telling her relatives about the camp in her holiday newsletter, and of Regina and I taking a parent-toddler Korean class. She oohs and ahhs over pictures of the girls in their hanboks (traditional Korean dress). She found Asian baby dolls for the girls.
It was only this week that my mom finally broke down and said, “Do they really need to learn all this Korean stuff? I think of them as Americans. Did I ever tell you what I said to that social worker…”
On another occasion my dad asked if Meg needed sunscreen, “because of her, ah, coloring”. He obviously was struggling with how to say it.
I dealt with the above situations the way I’ve tried to with my kids, by saying naturally (I hope) “yes, she has that gorgeous caramel colored skin”, to let my parents know that we talk about her color quite openly and proudly.
I know my folks truly adore my kids and treat them like her other grandchildren. They truly believe there is no limit to what my kids can do. But talking about my kids’ skin color in hush-hush tones sends a negative message that I’m trying to counteract.
Please see these related blogs:
Establishing a Support System #3: Educating Extended Family
How Do My Adopted Kids Think About Skin Color?
Other Kids’ Reactions to My Adopted Kids’ Skin Color