I am certainly not an official parenting “expert” and I certainly have no letters or credentials after my name that would qualify me for any exclusive club of people who know all things. But I do have experience and my nearly two decades of parenting experience has taught me that the facts–without cloudiness, ambiguity or bias–work far better in teaching children about many of life’s challenges and dangers than using threats or scare tactics.
Even though fear may deter children for a while from risky or dangerous behavior, unless you have a particularly docile and acquiescent child–eventually just about everyone has to test the boundaries and experience life. In fact, tackling our fears is one of the main character-building challenges we all face. It makes us stronger, more soulful people. It stands to reason that as children are encouraged and bolstered to tackle their fears in other areas, they may be more likely to push the envelope and try out some dangerous choices (some are just going to do this anyway–it’s in their very being). I believe that providing them with the facts–as complete and age-appropriate as possible–does a better job of helping them make safe and reasonable personal choices.
So, I imagine you can guess where I stand on “abstinence only” and “just say no” programs. I believe we owe our kids the facts. While convoluted explanations are inappropriate for a toddler and a strong “No! Don’t go in the street!” is exactly what a two-year-old needs to hear, as children get older they need to hear more of the facts and honest, in depth explanations from parents. Not only do I think this better prepares them for independent thought and problem-solving, but I think it gives us parents credibility and maintains trust.
My teenagers definitely think I am dorky a good deal of the time, but they also know that no matter what–no matter how uncomfortable it might make me, or how much I would rather NOT be talking about some things with them–they can always get a complete, factual, multisided explanation from me. And, if I don’t know the answer or all of the details and implications, I’ll help them find the answers. This doesn’t mean that I don’t share my values and opinions with my kids–oh, I definitely do that! But, I try to be careful not to confuse them with the facts. I believe that ignoring things doesn’t actually make things go away and neither does avoiding them or trying to scare our kids into good behavior or doing what we want them to.
While I’m definitely not an expert, like most seasoned and experienced-shaped parents, I do have my opinions about things and I think we owe our kids the facts about why, how, when, where, and what!