One of the things I have always prided myself on is being a parent who listens. In that my children know they can come to me no matter what the problem is, including if they have done something wrong.
Although I have conveyed this message to them time and time again, it doesn’t mean they will always take me up on it. That is one of the things I learned through some struggles last year with one of my teens.
So now I know to never assume all is well. Let me share just a small example of what I mean.
One of the things I have bragged about often to people is how great my daughter’s middle school years were. I felt like she missed the usual drama of middle school because she stayed in her K-8 school.
There were only about 30 students who graduated with her in 8th grade, most of them growing up together. And I never heard my daughter complain, so I assumed she had avoided the typical stuff that can happen.
It wasn’t until a few months ago that I discovered everything wasn’t so great during her middle school years. In fact, my daughter was silently suffering from name calling and struggles with finding her identity.
I had been completely blind to it all. But it wasn’t until I learned about this that I could look back and suddenly recognize the signs.
If you begin to notice changes, it is hard to know whether it’s a “problem” or the usual teen stuff. For instance, one of the things that began to change in her 8th grade year was the newfound liking to the color black.
It crept in slowly. It started off with black nail polish, which I remember being against. But I gave in.
Then she suddenly wanted to dress in black. Now don’t get me wrong, I was definitely concerned but it seemed like the bigger deal I made about it, the more it would push her away.
It’s not that she went full out “Goth,” as some call this look. It was more subtle than that. And it wasn’t like she only wore black. But those were signs that something deeper was going on.
There were also changes in her attitude but again, she was a teenage girl with hormones. So I dismissed all of it as being typical.
I can’t go back and change things. I can’t go back and enlighten myself. But I know that although I my children know they can tell me anything, they won’t always do it.
This requires a great deal of awareness, perhaps some prodding. And if necessary, outright digging to make sure all is really well.
False assumptions can make any parent blind. Don’t fall victim to it.
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