I remember when my husband’s unit left their home station on the first leg of their journey to Iraq; it was Halloween night, 2004. It seemed incredibly unfair to me that the children were running around the Armory in their Princess and Soldier costumes grabbing candy from dishes on the tables that sat on the drill floor instead of being out trick or treating with all the other children.
I remember watching the bus pull out and seeing my husband turn around one last time to wave goodbye, I wondered if that would be the last time his boots would be on his home soil. As families we knew that it was possible that our unit would come home with less than they left Michigan with and as that bus pulled out, I wondered who wouldn’t return. I prayed silently “Please God, just don’t let it be mine.” As I finished that thought I heard a little girl across the parking lot screaming in anguish for her daddy and instantly I felt like a monster for having such a selfish thought. What made me any better or different than anyone else standing there with me in the cold parking lot? Why should I get my husband back when others might not get their husband, son or father back?
One year to that day, I would experience that kind of guilt all over again. Our unit’s time was coming close to an end and we were all getting nervous as we had heard the stories about soldiers getting too comfortable as their time drew near to come home. We had a few injuries but we had not lost a single soldier and somehow that felt too lucky to be real for most of us.
I was chatting with my husband online when suddenly his name and that of two other soldiers that were with him disappeared from my yahoo messenger. My first thought had been the generator; it had a habit of going down and knocking everyone offline, so I waited a few minutes. After about a half hour, I figured the generator must have needed some work and I decided to do some cleaning until my husband found his way online again.
Somewhere in the first hour or so a news break came on the television with the announcement that six soldiers had been killed near the area where my husband’s post was located. Now I was getting nervous and I started watching my computer to see any of the names come back up and nothing was happening. It took me about two hours to work up to being terrified and allowing my imagination to go places I seldom allowed it to wander.
I paced, cussed at the television, got mad at the world, got mad at my husband, got mad at the world again, threw a glass across the kitchen, cried, got mad and prayed a lot. My prayer of course had been “Please God, don’t let it be him.”
When my husband finally made his way back online, I was beyond consoling. It was a quick conversation because he thought they might lose their connection again, he just wanted me to know everyone was fine, it was just a technical issue.
As I sat in the middle of my living room thanking God that he had spared my husband; I began to wonder about the six families that would be getting that knock on the door and again the guilt washed over me. I felt selfish, I felt pain for the families and I wondered why my family was spared such pain when six others would have to live with that pain everyday for the rest of their lives.
I still have moments that I feel those twinges of guilt and I still ask myself why we were spared but I have also learned that wanting the person that I love to be safe and come home to me, is a very human and acceptable emotion. I have also discovered I am not the only person who ever said the prayers I prayed and then asked why, when mine were answered.
Recently the United States lost twenty five troops in a single day and for many of us that is a bitter pill to swallow. As we grieve for the troops and their families, we find that it’s hard not to ask “Why not me?”
If you find you are struggling with this guilt try to talking to others who are in the same situation as yourself. Please keep in mind; it does not make you a bad person to want to keep your loved one safe.
Talk to other military family members about survivor’s guilt
read an article about survivor’s guilt and 9/11
Read an article about a soldier and survivor’s guilt