Recently, I saw an interview on television with a presidential historian about United States Presidents and their absent fathers. The expert also looked at the current presidential nominees for the Democrats and the Republicans, their absent fathers and their need to please them. The discussion also included suggested reasons for their success.
One of the reasons given for the success obtained by children of famous fathers is that their fathers were often absent from home and were very career-oriented parents. It was suggested that if a father is frequently gone from home because of his career, that the child will also be a driven, career-oriented adult. Conversely, if the father is a “taxi driver” and takes his kids to all of their little league games, it follows that that child will grow up to be the same. Nonsense!
What is more likely is the other suggestion that was made about the children always trying to gain the approval of their absent fathers. President, George W. Bush, and the two presidential nominees, John McCain and Barak Obama all had absent fathers, but they still strived to please them. George H.W. Bush was involved in politics most of his life and had little time for his children. John S. McCain, Jr. was a four star admiral in the U.S. Navy, who served during World War II and the Vietnam War. The Admiral, as you can imagine, did not have much time for his son, John S. McCain, III, who also served in Vietnam and was captured and held as a prisoner of war for over five years. Barak Obama, Sr. left his wife and son, Barak Obama, Jr. when his son was just two years old in order to attend Harvard University. He later returned to his home country of Kenya and was a government economist. He only returned one time to see his child when Barak Jr. was ten years old. And yet, with all of these absent fathers, each child grew up to be very ambitious, successful, goal-oriented persons themselves.
Why is that? There is a strong desire in each child to please their parents – especially the father. That desire is even more magnified when their father is a very successful, demanding parent with high expectations of their child. Nothing less than the child’s best effort will do. This is the “alpha male” who demands excellence from those around him to be better than everyone else.
Some kids can navigate this demanding path to achievement. But how do these kids grow up to be so successful? The child is motivated to please their absent father. The child learns that he or she has to work hard for their parent’s approval. Once that approval is gained with hard work and accomplishment, there is a positive reinforcement that is gained by the child. With each accomplishment and subsequent approval from the demanding father a pattern of behavior is established in the child, and ultimately leads to obtaining a higher level of success in life.
Please do not misunderstand. The point I’m trying to make here is not how great it is that people who are high achievers have absent fathers. Studies since the 1980’s, that anyone can now find on the web, demonstrate that absent fathers can bring a whole host of negative consequences for their children – more teenage pregnancies, more high school dropouts, more illicit drug and alcohol use, fewer college graduates, increased crime rates and involvement in gang activity. The point is that even fathers who are absent can still choose to be involved in their child’s life and help instill in them their values of excellence, high achievement, and a sense of duty to God, country, and family.
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