This is not just an article for families with siblings–sometimes even only children will have neighborhood chums or school friends who seem to be more sparring partners than buddies. For some of us parents, we just can’t figure out why we cannot get a moment’s peace for all the arguments, squabbling, and fighting that goes on in our houses and yards. As I used to say to my own children when they went through battling stages– “We’re not that kind of family!” Obviously, at least once in a while, we were…
Why do kids fight with each other and how can people who are supposed to be so close be so incredibly horrible and mean to each other? The one thing I have learned over two decades of parenting is that I think the reason is just because they are so close. They have a lot to fight about! Territory, space, attention, identity–have you ever noticed how we tend to dislike those things in other people that remind us of the things in ourselves we are not too keen on? Well, similarities can breed as much contempt as appreciation. Kids have a lot to work out and the safest place to do that is with their siblings and peers. Believe it or not, there is a lot of personal growth and work getting done with all that squabbling.
That said, a parent still has to look out for safety and keep the peace to some extent. My three kids never evolved into really physical fighters, I think it was because we are all such communicators in our family and there was a real focus on using words and talking things out. This isn’t easy for many parents who haven’t been brought up in a talking, communicating atmosphere–but I think that we can have influence and shape the communication style of our families. You can stress using words instead of physical retaliation. I also have to admit that since my kids are so close in age, the tried and true method of separating them if things got too crazy always worked. They got a breather from each other and were soon missing the camaraderie.
Every family is different and it can help just to remember that fighting does serve a purpose. This doesn’t mean that children shouldn’t be learning from these disagreements and developing skills for debating, compromising, walking away, and letting things go. It just takes time. As parents we can expect some fighting and squabbling, and instead of thinking it always signifies trouble and should be squelched–we can use it as learning and growing opportunities.
Also: Sometimes They Don’t Even Know Why They Are Fighting