There are people in this world who cause great emotional destruction to others, and then dance proudly in the ashes. My life has taught me this.
Forgiveness can be an arduous personal journey.
When we have a child with a disability, people can be terribly insensitive. Sometimes they make ridiculous or cruel comments, either on purpose or just because they are ill-equipped to handle the situation emotionally. Perhaps they’re just uneducated and inexperienced. Sometimes good friends or family members fade into the background, suddenly becoming “too busy” to maintain a meaningful relationship. Perhaps they blame us for our child’s difficult behaviors—insinuating we are bad parents. Even teachers, co-workers, doctors, or school personnel can say hurtful things or simply present a negative, hopeless outlook for our sons or daughters which cuts us to the very center. Yet for our own emotional, physical, and mental well-being, we must find ways to forgive.
Looking Deeper for Understanding
Forgiveness often requires searching for a deeper understanding. When we recognize that some people are on a different emotional wavelength, with different life experiences and coping mechanisms, it might be easier to forgive them. Maybe deep-down they are feeling grief, anxiety, or fear. They don’t know what to do. Perhaps distancing themselves or being cruel is a way to avoid their own pain. Perhaps seeing themselves in the reflective mirror of this vulnerable, special child is just too scary.
Raising a special needs child gives us a new outlook and level of maturity that some people have yet to reach. We can remember being in that place before—but now we’re forever changed. These special kids do that for us. We change, but the world doesn’t often change along with us. It’s true that many wonderful loved ones will willingly accompany us on this ride. But many people—most—will never comprehend this experience.
Resentment is a Burden
Often we just don’t know why people do the things they do. There may be no reasonable explanation we can uncover. In this case, letting go of our hurt can be harder. But holding on to hurt and resentment is an awful burden. Since we already have a whole lot to carry on our shoulders, why increase the weight of the load with the burden of resentment? And why empower others who are insensitive, granting them control over such a large part of our time and energy?
For me personally, the journey toward forgiveness is ongoing. Occasionally (but rarely) the pain of old wounds will still surface, and I don’t know why. I’ve got to convince myself that letting go of hurt doesn’t mean I’m condoning the cruel things which have happened to me in my past. It doesn’t mean I’m pronouncing those actions as “okay.” It only means that I choose to move past it. I want to be free of it, because there are more important things for me to do with my life. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that when I recall those painful events, I’ll no longer feel the sting. I’m still human. Yet I will stop letting outrage and vengeance consume me.
Seeing Beyond Limitations
As parents of special needs kids, we hope that others will see beyond our children’s limitations. Perhaps we must likewise learn to see beyond the limitations of others who haven’t traveled this road. During this holiday season, let’s make a greater effort to forgive others and exercise patience. This is a personal goal that I recognize I need to make.
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here. Some links on this blog may have been generated by outside sources are not necessarily endorsed by Kristyn Crow.
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