Adoption is such a sensitive issue. It’s hard to find humorous things to share about adoption. In fact, most of what I find would be considered offensive by many in the triad. So anything I share comes with a fair warning, please do not be offended. That’s really all I ask.
Humor is what it is. Funny. It’s meant to make people laugh, and not be so serious. So if something offends you, please just turn away and don’t continue reading it.
I’ve found many things I’d like to have shared, but couldn’t because of the nature of it’s content. Knowing full well that a birth mother reading this, or perhaps an adoptive mother reading this might actually be hurt or offended.
Also please know that none of the material I am sharing is original. Meaning I did not write it. If I write something to share that is humorous, I will tell you it’s done by me. Most of this is stuff I collected along the way that made me giggle at moments that I just couldn’t find the strength to smile on my own.
If you have anything to share that is clean, you can contact me and I can either insert it into a Friday Funnies, or you can put it in the Comments field. Whatever you’d like. I love laughing, so I’ll take all the humor I can!
And so I share some cute adoption related humor. All I ask, is that you smile with it.
Q: How many birth moms does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one – but we can’t tell you her name.
Q: How many contacted blood-relatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why? Who wants to know? Who is this calling please?
Q: How many adoptees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to be in the dark.
And I have no idea where I got this from, but it has always hung up by my computer desk. Makes me laugh, in a really ironic way.
“The Adoptee Intimacy Afraid Cookbook – for Those Who Ache For a Taste of Home. A book written with love and care by Mrs. Universal Surrogate Mommy”
Lasagna
Drive to grocery store – peruse faces to see if anyone looks like you. Avoid boisterous groups of people and crowded aisles and above all avoid suspicious looking people. Remember you trust no one even the little old lady in the aisle beside you whining about the price of chicken soup – she looks relatively innocent; however, she could be a retired CASE worker bear this in mind. Walk quickly.
When you arrive home ignore fat balding, loud foreign neighbor in hallway – say Hail Mary three times that he is not your father.
Arrange items on counter. Check out the maternal looking figure on spaghetti jar label. Fantasize that she might be your mother and that you are part of a spaghetti sauce dynasty. Smile even laugh – heck things could be better then you think.
Take out spices from cupboard and long buried feelings. Place neatly on counter.
Convert security blanket from childhood into small fashionable apron that is soft and comforting.
Begin cooking.
Spaghetti sauce
Dice 2 cloves of garlic, green pepper and other vegetables.
Sauté in an open pan (swear while cooking this will help to rid one of pent up adoption anger)
Add spices of various kinds (for those afraid of intimacy remember this might be the only type of spice in your life) cry loudly – reduce crying to a small simmer.
While the vegetables sauté use one hand to stir gently – use the other hand to throw darts towards the end of your kitchen – aim for dartboard with all information gathered on your adoption to date. If you miss do not despair. Remember you are a good shot, you are worth it. Be careful when doing this – do not lose your balance. Stir vegetables and throw darts alternately. Notice your shots improving, your aim getting better and your dark and gloomy mood slightly improving.
Meat sauce
Sauté one pound of hamburger lightly for 15 minutes mixing with vegetables until done.
Add one jar of Mrs. Therapy spaghetti sauce (stop fantasizing that maternal figure on jar is your mother – this longing will diminish your appetite)
Stop crying all together.
Cook for 15 minutes – bring to a boil (reduce swearing to a minimum).
Add 2 cups of anxiety
1 tablespoon of abandonment issue’s
1/2 cup of fear
3 teaspoons of insecurity and doubt
Throw in a pinch of confusion.
Add a dash of sorrow and anger.
Mix well.
Gently simmer a brew of emotions and sauce. Do not overcook; do not panic due to emotions. Breathe long calm breaths.
Boil water for 5 minutes – add lasagna noodles. Cook until done.
Grease a baking pan with oil; add spaghetti sauce mixture and brew of emotions, layer with cottage cheese, lasagna noodles and top with mozzarella. Repeat this three times.
Put in oven and bake at 400 degrees for 45 minutes. Cry while lasagna is baking.
Remove from oven carefully.
Serve on open plate; eat alone in dark with candle with copy of adoption healing book. Refrain from indulging in alcoholic beverages with meal. Wash down with water. Relax. Digest meal.
Sigh in relief that you are not really alone and that adoption is truly baked.
Have a great weekend!