“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” Rodney Dangerfield
“Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” Robin Williams.
“A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.” Duane Dewel.
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” Helen Rowland
“I have never really understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already well catered for in any respectable domestic establishment.” Alan Bennett
“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” Jackie Mason
“Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.” Leonardo Di Vinci
“I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” Lewis Grizzard
“I’m the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.” Mickey Rooney
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” Patrick Murray
“Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.” Louis Saffan
“The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.” Aristotle
“The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.” Colin Chapman
“When you see what some girls marry, you realize how much they must hate to work for a living.” Helen Rowland
“What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.” Mark Twain
“In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.” Woody Allen.
“My fiancee and I are having a little disagreement. What I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no expense spared reception; and what he wants is to break off our engagement.” Sally Poplin
“I wouldn’t be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.” Tony Curtis
“A woman voting for divorce is like a turkey voting for Christmas.” Alice Glynn.
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” Henry Youngman
“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late.” Max Kaufman
“The longest sentence you can form with two words is: I do.” HL Mencken
“If you never want to see a man again say, ‘I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children’. They leave skid marks.” Rita Rudner
“If we take matrimony at it’s lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police.” Robert Louis Stevenson.
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” Oscar Wilde.
“Dammit sir, it’s your duty to get married. You can’t be always living for pleasure.” Oscar Wilde
“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.” George Burns.
“My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I’ve got another three goes.” Sally Poplin.
“Wives are people who think it’s against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.” Rita Rudner