If you are like most Latter-day Saints I have observed, you probably tend to sit in the same seat every Sunday. Every once in awhile, you walk into the chapel and realize that someone (probably a new person or a visitor) has committed the unpardonable sin – they have sat in your spot! Of course, you don’t want to be rude, but how can you get them to move without looking like a complete and total idiot?
1. Walk over them. Go up to the row and start to sit down, then freeze and say, “Oops, I didn’t see you.”
2. Are they still there? While standing in the row, look around and wonder outloud, “Hmm, where should we sit now? I don’t see a row big enough for all of us.”
3. No luck yet? If the row behind them is available, sit there. Then, through a combination of sign language and miming, try to get your two year old to bump into them. If you are like me, then your two year old usually thumps on the back of the seats and bangs into people, but this week will manage to completely avoid the process.
4. If all else fails, push the kid into the back of the seat. A couple of times.
5. Then you can tap them on the shoulder and whisper, “I’m sorry.” Every single time.
6. Have we started the opening hymn and they are still not budging? Sing as loud and as off-key as you possibly can. See if you can hit notes that have never been heard before.
7. Time for the prayer and they are glued to the seat? Whisper “Shhh” to your kids throughout the benediction. Make sure that your shushing is louder than the kids themselves.
8. Is the bishop making ward announcements and sustaining folks in their callings? Lean over to your spouse and have a whispered discussion over whether or not you should sustain them or raise your hand in opposition.
9. Headed into the Sacrament hymn and they are stuck in their seats like last week’s oatmeal to the kitchen floor? If you are really good and can block out the music, sing off-tempo as well. You know, sing “There Is a Green Hill” at the same pace as “Called to Serve.”
10. Has the bread been blessed and they have held out this long? Time for you to start repenting if you plan to take the sacrament. Lean forward and apologize for being such a twit. Hmm, maybe you should do this in the middle of the song, actually. Although if you do it while the bread is being passed, they might just surrender….
There it is, the best laid plan for getting people out of your seat. Please realize that if you implement this plan, you may find yourself ostracized from people in your ward – both new folks and the folks behind you. You may drive away an investigator or a newly returned inactive member from the gospel, leaving a great deal of responsibility on your shoulders for blocking their spiritual walk. Your husband and children may never talk to you again.
But at least you’ll get your seat back!
Related Articles:
Top 10 Ways NOT To Visit Teach!
Ten Ways to Know You’ll Never Be Relief Society President
Top Ten Ways to Keep Up With the Smith/Young/Kimballs