There are times when our children desperately need to talk to us but they simply will not open up. As a concerned parent, we wonder whether we should badger and push them to talk to us, or respect their privacy and trust that they will talk to us when they are ready. Of course it depends on the child, but I think that we parents can develop skills and behaviors that can help our children to talk to us about those subjects and topics that are tough.
I like to think of myself as a decent communicator and an open parent but there have been times when my kids needed to talk to me but couldn’t. Either because of the subject matter, their own concerns, or because they were worried about how I might react or what I might say or do—we were at a standstill. I surely NEVER wanted my children to feel like they cannot talk to me and while I accept that it is healthy for them to have other confidents too, I want to be as open and approachable as I can be. We can start by creating a relationship with our children where they know that they can say anything to us without being judged or looked down upon—OR having us reject them. I do not know how many times that I have read e-mails or comments from parents who say they are devoted to their children but then if a child tries to come out with them, discuss religious differences, or express a career or life choice that the parent doesn’t “approve” of—the first thing the parent does is withdraw love. Rejection is a surefire way to ensure that our children will stop confiding in us or trying to share their lives.
Create an open environment, let the child know you are available, and ask questions. Offering constant reassurance and love works better than badgering and harassing. I also find that if I open up about how I am feeling or how I have felt in a similar situation, it creates a big opening for the child to share: “I remember when I was 15, I had a summer where…” More often than not, the child may open up simply to tell you all the ways that your experience is NOT like his or hers—but it can get the child talking.
If your child absolutely will not talk to you when you feel that he or she needs to talk about things—maybe you can find another trusted adult he or she WILL talk to. Whether it is a grandparent (grandparents can be fabulous confidents for teenagers!), another parent, an aunt or uncle, teacher, friend, etc.—finding another trusted adult can be a good stand-in and this person can help the child figure out how to talk to you too.
See Also: Emotional Intelligence and Clear Communication
Open Communication with Parents
Dealing with a Difficult Mother