Growing up I really had very little opportunity to make my own decisions. Even when I was 18 years old and living at home, very rarely could I make a decision that didn’t have to go past my parents. In fact, I remember wanting to drop a particular college course I was taking (and that I was paying for) but my parents wouldn’t let me.
By 19 years of age I was on my own, tired of never being allowed the chance to make a grownup decision. I think I tucked that away somewhere inside of me as a lesson to be learned when I would one day have my own children.
It hasn’t been easy to break free of that. It also isn’t easy balancing between allowing my teens to make decisions and knowing when I really do need to be the one who makes it.
Recently my youngest who is going into middle school, asked if he could play a certain online game. He knows my feelings about this game and why I don’t approve of it. It’s not that the game has sexual themes or anything like that. It has more to do with our faith than anything else.
He has asked me in the past and I have always told him no. This time I tried something new. I wanted him to make the decision. So we talked about the game and what it contained that didn’t really mix with our faith. I said to him, “If you can say that you feel totally comfortable sitting there playing that game then go ahead. You think about it and get back to me.”
He probably wasn’t sure what to do at this point because I was leaving it in his hands, something new for him since he is our youngest. What I expected was him to come back two seconds later and say that he had decided it was fine to play. Instead, I waited and waited but he never came back. And guess what? He hasn’t asked again about playing that game.
I was pleasantly surprised at the outcome. It made me realize that given the chance, our kids can make some smart decisions. However if we never allow them that opportunity they will never learn how to.
I also had another recent experience that is still unfolding with my 16-year-old son. When he signed up for his junior year classes he had signed up for an honors class accidentally. He didn’t read the description, just went by the title of the class. All of a sudden in the beginning of summer he received a packet stating he was in an honors class and how 20% of his work would be due the first day of school.
He had all this work to be completed over the summer and he was not happy. He was also not thrilled about the debate portion of this class as he is a very shy young man. So every week I check in with him to see how his work is going and he hasn’t done very much.
He finally asked me last week if he could drop it. I told him the decision was his. But then I received the high school newsletter that clearly states students can’t just change their classes unless there are valid reasons.
He registers for school today and the guidance counselors will be made available. I told him that if he wants to drop that class then he has to speak with a guidance counselor, I won’t do it for him. So I am waiting to see how this plays out.
My point is that I am learning there are times when our children need to make decisions and then learn from them. It is part of growing up. Of course there are some things that are obviously not meant for them to make a decision about. As parents we have to pick and choose the right moments. However we need to allow for opportunities where our children can learn based on the decisions they make.
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